Random retrospective thought, Truffles and Gingerbread Houses, Fabric and Themes, New Year Goals

So I was transferring some pictures into a folder on my computer, and I happened to flick through the old ones in there and I came across this particular image:

It feels crazy now to think that this was a part of my life for an entire year - and to think that I've been without it for 9 months. Looking at it now, it seems almost sort of grotesque. Yet at the time it was a part of me, much in the same way that my glasses or contact lenses are. I need them and so they feel like a part of my body, yet I can remove them. I think back over that year and I don't know how I did it. And I know that I did it because there was no choice, there was no option about it. You deal with what you have to in life. But, now that I don't have to deal with that, I don't know how I managed to do it. it feels... foreign, somehow.

Anyway, randomness aside, I thought I'd show you some pictures of the gingerbread house I made, and the truffles I made just before Christmas!





 These are the truffles - aren't they beautiful! I think so, anyway. I love how smooth the white chocolate turned out on the outside, albeit for the little lump on top of each of them. That's where they were speared on a cocktail stick for dipping.








 And dark on the inside! I love the contrast of the outside shell against the dark inside. The filling was rich with almond liqueur and dark chocolate, so the white chocolate coating balanced it really nicely. I gave some of these as Christmas gifts, and the rest were gobbled up by family!




 And the gingerbread house:

Not bad for a first attempt, huh?! I've never made one before, so it was all new to me. I used this recipe - I've got to be honest, it didn't really work so well for me personally. But it did work in the end, it's just I got a soft gingerbread rather than the biscuity, crunchy affair I'd been expecting! And it turned out alright, I think. It was really fun thinking of quirky twists to make to the house, like:








The cat-flap - can you see it? That way a gingerbread cat can come and go as he may please! Also a shed on the back, which was decorated in the same way as the front door and shutters:








I used a pastry brush to brush the melted chocolate on. It gives it a bit of a texture which I think looks quite like wood.













The last thing I did was to make these Christmas trees for the garden. This is done by cutting out 2 trees from the dough; then, once they're cooked you cut one of them in half whilst it's still hot. Once they're all cool, you glue the 2 halves to the other tree at right angles so it has four branchy bits. I used caramel as the glue for both the trees and the house. Then I sifted icing sugar over everything to make it look like snow.



I went shopping today with my mum. We went fabric shopping for Nanny College first. Our next sewing project is a play mat which is both double-sided, and doubles up as a bag for carrying the treasure baskets we make. Since I'm theming all my work under the theme 'Once Upon a Fairytale', I chose fabrics which look like The Little Mermaid:

See, they're all shades of turquoise. The one on the far left is mottled to look like the sea, and that will back-to-back with the one with spirals on. The other I got a scrap of, as I figured it would come in useful somewhere in this project.










I also bought this fish appliqué, as I felt that some appliqué and extra bits like that would look really good on this. Technically, students don't normally do things like this on the project. But the projects that we do are designed to ensure that all students learn basic sewing skills. Since I've been sewing all my life, the majority of what we do and learn is just reinforcement for me. I like to be stretched; I don't like things to be too easy. So I've been doing a few little extra bits like this here and there to maintain my interest and focus. I think that brushing up on my appliqué skills will do this - it is something I've done before, in a couple of different ways, but I know there's room for improvement, and the practise will help.

I bought one other fabric whilst i was out with mum. I didn't need it really, but when I saw it, I knew I just couldn't leave it behind:

 See what I mean?! It's so bright and cheerful, and the bobbins and needles are just so darn cute! I don't have a use for it right now, but I'm sure I will find one at some point. For now it will join the stash.

I also went clothes shopping with mum, and I bought some boots and a winter coat. and then I came home and made broccoli soup for supper. Yum!

This leads into my wacky New Year Goal for January: go unprocessed. By this, I mean that I plan to eat foods which contain natural ingredients only, and have not been processed so much that they are unrecognisable compared to what they started out as. I know, this sounds a little confusing. But basically it means that I'm going to aim to eat foods in their original, natural state. And for anything that isn't, like cheese, or butter, or pasta, I want to be able to read the ingredients list and recognise and understand what every ingredient is on there. And I want there to be no more than about 5 ingredients on the list, too. If there are too many then I will consider it processed. Obviously, I'm on the second day of this. I've not got into it quite yet, but that's because I'm still at my parents' house. I can't expect them to be okay with all my weird things that I like to try out and experiment with. So instead, I'm trying to use these few days to wind myself down to this goal; starting by reducing the amount of processed foods I eat and increasing the amount of natural foods I eat. So I'm not worrying about it too much until Saturday, and that's when I will get serious about it. We'll see how it goes!

Other than January, I've written down an initial plan for my wacky goals for most of the months - a couple are still empty. None of them are set in stone. A lot of them are things I've always wanted to try, like learning the piano or fasting or running. Some of them are challenges for me, which I think I will enjoy tackling, like no Internet for a month, or taking a photo everyday for a month. I expect the order I do them in will change, and some of them will be changed for new ones as I come up with things that I want to do more. The idea is to strive for things that I would otherwise think of doing but never actually do. That's why they're wacky!

With regards to my other goals, I have the new book I'm going to read for January already. It's my Christmas Present from the wife: The Shack Revisited. She was the one who originally lent The Shack to me, and I loved it. It gives understanding to some of the harder questions surrounding faith, and I've found ever since that if I'm struggling in life, I can often relate my problems to some part of The Shack, and see where my understanding is missing. This in itself can allow me to see how to solve my problems. Plus, I find it's always a great book for reminding me of what an amazing God I love. So the follow-up story was a brilliant gift to receive from the wife, and I'm really looking forward to reading it! I started it straightaway, but then I stopped myself, as I remembered that I have a 5-hour coach journey back to Bath on Saturday, which will be ideal for reading.

I will also be doing my January craft project tomorrow - I will be making as many of the QATWII squares as I can, whilst I have access to my mum's sewing machine. I've been really neglectful of the group since I went to Nanny College. But my aim is to get back into it! It's being able to access a sewing machine that is the challenge. so now is a great time to do as many as possible. This is also my second post on here for January, so hitting that goal pretty easily. that one's mainly about the stamina to maintain it all year, so we'll see. My letter writing and responding will have to wait until I'm back in Bath, but I'm confident about it. I really like my miscellaneous category - it's full of those things that I always want to do but never get round to. So hopefully they will happen at some point throughout the year.

I'm going to go to bed now! Tomorrow I want to be up early to tidy and sort my room; pack a few bits and pieces; and do lots and lots of sewing!

Love love xx

Friday, other people's problems, walking and baking, recipe, visiting, new teeth, Fill In The Blank Friday

It's Friday. I was meant to be doing fun things with my very screwy friend, BM. But she cancelled on me by saying that she 'thought it was next Friday' I had suggested. I smell bull. Because when I say 'shall we do something next Friday' on a Monday I'm talking about the next Friday, not the one after that. But I'd never really expected her to do anything but come up with a reason why she couldn't meet up today. And if I'm really honest, I wasn't particularly in the mood for doing anything with her either considering how she's been recently. I know it's selfish of me - she has depression, and so can't help being how she is, really - but I'm just a bit worn down by other people's problems right now. There are so many people coming to me with their problems and inability to cope. And whilst I'm glad people feel they can do that, I can only take so much.

On the other hand, I went for a good long walk today, through the fields and across the train track and along the field paths beyond it. I saw many trains, and waved to one. The driver waved back as well! And then I came back and baked cookies and made another batch mix ready for when the trays come out of the oven. So I'm going to put that batch in soon and make another batch, and then I'll have done all the cookies I'm doing. It's a really simple recipe, from the Good Housekeeping Cook Book, but I vary what I add to the basic mix. Their basic mix is for chocolate chip and walnut. I don't think I've ever added chocolate chips or walnut to it. I have, however, added pecans, macadamias, hazelnuts, cranberries and cherries in various combinations. Here's the recipe:

3 oz butter
3 oz white sugar
3 oz brown sugar
drop of vanilla/almond essence
1 egg
6 oz self-raising flour
pinch of salt
4 oz whatever you're adding.

Cream butter and sugars. Add essence and egg and mix. Add everything else and mix. spoon onto baking sheets and cook for about 15 minutes at 180 c or gas mark 4. Eat them all. Start again.

See? Simple! Once I have done my third batch of these cookies I will pack for going to my sister's tomorrow. I'm just a little bit very excited! I haven't been up there in ages, so it should be really nice. I need to decided what knitting project I want to start, and she'll help sort me out with yarn and needles. And we're going to go and see the new Muppet film on Sunday, which should be lovely - I haven't been to the cinema in ages, either. My life is so sad! But I am really looking forward to seeing my sister.

Next week, can I just say, is so exciting for me! I finally will have my new teeth fitted!! as in permanently! Having worn a denture for a year, I am so excited to be getting rid of it for 3 new teeth. Yesterday I had them checked at their halfway stage of making, so they were matte and didn't look like real teeth yet. But the dentist was able to check the colour-match, shape, size and fit of them. The new teeth are made of two sort of screw-in centres which are hollow and pale white. The teeth will, I think be glued onto these. But when the dentist was screwing the centres in it was really painful, because they're flared to give a more natural look; and the 2 holes that have been made and formed and maintained by healing caps are narrow and cylindrical. So the dentist didn't screw them all the way in; and she changed my healing caps for some which were marginally bigger and flared to reduce discomfort when the teeth are fitted fully next week.

Finally, today is Friday! Here are my Blanks:

My favourite room in my home is the bathroom. It is the one place where you can have absolute peace - and where you deserve peace! With the job I do, I often find I can't even get a few minutes' peace to wee in the day. So the 10-20 minutes in the shower every morning is absolute bliss to me.

My current decor style is only based on my own bedroom. But light and breezy, I would say. Lots of white!

I wish I could redecorate the kitchen in my house to make it more interesting. My parents have very bland, safe taste; and I like to experiment a bit more with colour!

My dream house absolutely has to have a lot of quirks, like reading nooks and a door hidden behind bookcases and a swing sofa.

One house item I am willing to splurge on is doors and window frames. Weird, I know - but all too often they look shabby or mismatched to the house or just plain grubby.

A decor trend I just don't get is bunting to decorate random bits of house. I just can't see a point to it?

So! That's this week's. I hear cookies calling me; and I have some letters I need to write as well, so I'm going to stop here for now.

Love love xx   

Brief update, Manchester, Lent, Church, holiday, half term and work, letter from America, walk

My cat is ill. My grandpa is much better. And my friend is heading down to see her sort-of boyfriend to try and get pregnant again. Umm.

I went to Manchester yesterday with my friend, KT. He's hilarious and we joke a lot. I bought some more writing paper, which is pretty fun and useful since I was running out rapidly; and I bought a couple of bits from lush as well. We had a drink in Starbucks and just generally chatted and walked and window shopped in clothing stores. We stopped in at Primark - a store I have never bought anything from due to cheap material clothes and cheap labour they use - and it was strange to see how uninviting the men's clothing was in general. It was all so dull and muted and miserable looking on the whole. What happened to colour? Why are we suddenly dressing men in grey and brown and mustard - a colour which suits almost nobody, I might add.

But it was really fun in general, and pretty cheap for me as days out go since the only money I had to spend was £4.50 on a return train fare with my railcard. Bargain! Plus, as I walked to and from the station, I felt like I'd done some healthy exercise too. Definitely enough to make up for the toblerone we bought for the train journey home...

I'm giving up tea for Lent. I am an avid drinker of tea. I'm not absolutely sure how many cups I get through in a day, but there is rarely a moment when I am without one in my hand. That adds up to a fair bit of money I think. Not a massive amount, but a reasonable bit. So I thought I could give it up for Lent, and give the money that would usually be spent on cups of tea for 40 days to a charity. I don't know what charity yet; but I feel it makes giving it up actually meaningful, rather than just being something I've given up pointlessly for 40 days. I remember once when we were young we gave up our pocket money for Lent and saved it all up in a tin to give to a charity. I never knew if we actually did give it to a charity, or which charity it went to... This time, I have it planned out.

My mum's kindly offered to go and look at church services with me. I decided I want to go to church on Sundays, but I'm not sure where. So we're going to do the rounds of the local churches and see which one feels right. I'm quite drawn to one at Leigh Sports Village simply because the service is at half 4 in the afternoon, which means there's no danger of sleeping in. I know, I know, religion isn't meant to be about making things easy in this way - but I do think that with the distance it is to get there, it also makes transport easier. We'll see.

The parents are going on holiday this Sunday, leaving me at home alone for a week (yay)! I enjoy pretending to own my own house and live independently, even if it is just for a week.

I'm on half term from work this week, so I've been doing as much as possible already and I'm hoping to continue my week in this vein. Then next week I will be back to work. I still plan to do as much as possible. I saw that there was a mums and tots group on in Leigh on Tuesdays in the morning, so I was considering trying BB at that. It does cost 50p to attend, whereas Story-tots on Wednesdays and Playgroup on Thursdays are both free. But 50p isn't too bad, and I think BB might enjoy it. I'm always looking for something specific to do on each day simply to give something significant to it, and to break the day down into manageable bits. That's especially important now that BB doesn't have a nap anymore, as the afternoon can seem interminably long sometimes. But if we do something through the morning, then by the time we get home it's lunchtime, and then the games at home occupy us easily for a few hours. If we don't go out at all then the games at home have to occupy us for twice as many hours. And I feel trapped in the house - especially in this weather. I think all the groups we go to are good for BB, as when I first started working with her she was sued to having me all to herself and having undivided attention. At the groups she doesn't get that, which she is slowly getting used to. And she gets used to being in the company of other little people the same age as her, which can only be good to my mind.

I got a letter from America yesterday, which was brilliant! It's part of LetterMo, and so I'm going to write back to the lovely person who wrote to me. It was a very interesting letter, touching on sticky discussion topics, like religion and homosexuality, and healthy living. I'm going to enjoy writing back!

I'm going to stop now, as I need to get dressed for the day. I'm going for a walk with KT today. It's been so long since we saw each other - up until yesterday - so we're going to try and do a bit more from now on.

Oh - and my teeth should be finished and in my mouth by 23rd March, fingers crossed!

Love love xx

childminding, childminding, potty training, Manchester, NaNoWriMo, The Band, letters, dilemma solved, surgery, hair

So this time, there is a wonderful reason for my absence - the family computer wasn't behaving. It worked, except for blogger, which wouldn't run at all.

So - my life at the moment. Well, there's childminding, which is going awesomely as per usual. BB is pushing her boundaries at the moment, trying to find a way to get away with naughty stuff. Not like, really naughty, more like defying me when I tell her not to jump up and down on that chair because she will fall off and then scream for five minutes. So we have a naughty step, which is weirdly... I don't even know. She goes on it for two minutes, cries unendingly for the first one and is just sat there when I go to speak to her. She says sorry, hugs me and tells me she loves me which makes my heart melt because I just punished her, then she laughs and says she won't do that naughty thing again. And ten minutes later, she's forgotten all about it being a naughty thing and is doing it all over again. nor surprising for her age, I guess. Distracting her from the naughty action tends to work best. We've also learnt how to not cry for too long by taking deep breaths. So she falls over, bangs her head and immediately starts scream-crying. So I tell her to take a deep breath, and demonstrate. She laughs at this, copies it, and all is well. Ten minutes later she falls over again, and we do it all over again. Sometimes when I say no to her, she does a really funny sulk. She doesn't tantrum at the word no. Instead she lies down on the floor, face down and pushes her bottom lip out. I ignore this. It's no fun to her when she can't see me looking at her. She only tantrums when she's trying to do something herself and it isn't working. Then she sits on the floor and pedals her legs a bit, before bringing it to me with a 'make work pwease!' It's adorable. And another negative behaviour to manage.

So yeah, yesterday she made her own lunch. It was really fun. I gave her the option of baked beans or sandwiches, and she chose sandwiches. So she got her plastic knife, and a plate with a slice of bread on it, and the carton of spread. The knife went into it vertically, twisted round and dug a tiny amount out which she then proceeded to bury somewhere inside the slice of bread whilst I spread a little more onto the slice. Same with cream cheese. Awesome. Ah well, it's the thought that counts!

We're in the middle of potty-training at the moment too, which is difficult because it's so cold that we can't take a simple route. If it were summer, we could just leave her bottom half reasonably uncovered and the potties out, and things would... I dunno. Happen. But it's too cold for that. So instead we're playing games with the dolls using the potties, and suggesting trying to use it every so often. She's drinking a lot, so she can usually wee in there. Poos? Not so much. She gets really stressed about doing them in her nappy too, because she hates having a pooey bottom. But, even though she knows when she's pooing, she won't sit down on the potty to do it. We got a poo in the potty once. I never thought I'd be so happy to be handed a bucket of poo. Yesterday she had a green poo. No kidding, green as grass. And it stank. I don't know what she ate, but it was so wrong! Sorry. This is not what I was going to talk about!

On Wednesday  the school striked, O I had B with me all day as well as BB. So we decided to go to Manchester and visit the Christmas Market - I mentioned I went with a friend the other week, and it was seriously magical. So I thought it would be fun for the girls to see it. And since I had both of them, it felt like a good time, even though it was a little early for Christmas. It took us a while to get there - the train station is right behind their house, so we were at the train station in under five minutes; but the first train that arrived was so packed it wouldn't let anybody get on. So I had to wait at the train station for half an hour with B and BB to occupy. Thankfully we had a packed lunch with us, as they're lactose intolerant. So they had their morning snack and that got them through to the next train, which was also packed to be fair but not as much. Having two young children on a train is insanely stressful. They're not even mine. How do I explain losing/killing their children by accident on a train to their mum? But we survived, they loved the market, and we went home and watched Madagascar after BB finished her nap. Success!


So other than childminding, I completed NaNoWriMo - yay! It was a relief to complete it and feel like a winner. Or rather, not to feel like a loser or failure as I would have done if I had either not done it or cheated to get the winner page. No. Doing it the honest way and knowing you did it is fiercely awesome and motivating. I finished two days before the deadline, and wrote 16000 words on that final completion day. Yeah. Most of them are probably rubbish. But - I did it anyway. So it's okay.


I also did a post for the Band, which was really good for me. I'm glad I did it. No, I'm not gonna say which is my post. there are many posts, and many topics I could post on. One of the posts is mine. But the whole website is really good. It's a website for people with all different kinds of crazy and brokenness to feel that they are not alone. The love that comes from it is amazing.


I've written a few letters also. Mainly responding to letters I received, but I also wrote a letter to IB. I realise I referred to her as I in a past post, which I only now realise is confusing, stupid child that I am. So now she's IB, which will mean no more confusing it with myself doing stuff. Sorry - yeah, I wrote a letter to her. and she responded. I need to write back to her. I know my brother wrote a letter to me at some point, but it hasn't turned up. Thanks a lot for that, Royal Mail. It really sucks that they just cannot get letters to arrive. I've even lost packages before that I've sent to people. Look, I know this is the age of computers, but snail mail has been happening for centuries. Get it together now, come on.


I wrote before about a friend who had a dilemma about a guy. Well, she said no. She felt it was best, and agreed that she needed to set boundaries in her friendship with him so that they wouldn't keep having encounters. And she has since seen him, and told him, and touched on there being boundaries but not really set any. Ah well. I felt lighter in knowing her decision, although I think I would have been relieved to know the decision even if it wasn't what I'd hoped for. As it is, I'm pleased as well. Yes, partly in a selfish way probably. I wanted things to work out int he best possible way for me. But I'm also glad because I feel this is the less painful way for her, too. They're still friends, and that I'm unsure of. But I'm glad that she won't get hurt by dating him a third time. I don't know. Life is so difficult!!


Surgery is all healed - the stitches came out really quickly, and no more bleeding now. I'm looking forward very much to having it all finished. I might have to have a few more injections which will be horrible (because of the amount of injections and surgeries I've had, my mouth is hyper-sensitive, as my dentist says, which explains why the injections hurt so much), but with a little luck all will be over in a couple of months' time.


Not much else to add now. I know I've talked a lot. Oh! I dyed my hair again.It's really dark, with a hint of red. The roots look slightly purple, too. It's not what I planned. It's not what I expected. I love it!


Love love xx


PS. It amuses me that the word 'blogger' is not in the spell check dictionary on this thing!

childminding, swimming, Thailand, manchester, writing, teeth, dilemmas

Again, I have to apologise for such absence. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to write and update. Sorry.

So what have I been doing since I last posted? Well, I've started my childminding job with B and BB. They're so lovely to look after and bring me huge amounts of joy. I made cupcakes this Thursday with BB for a bake sale at B's school for Children In Need. They were non-dairy cupcakes, using whisked eggs and chestnut puree. Strange but incredibly delicious. We also had a poo explosion, which distressed BB so much with it all down the backs of her legs that we ended up having a mini shower to clean it off as quickly as possible! All in a day's work, it seems. I find myself growing in confidence the more I work with them. Working out how to speak to them can be difficult, but I'm learning how to address negative issues with B, slowly.

I've also been swimming with another B recently. I realised just how unfit I was - I couldn't even do one length without being out of breath!! Note to self: must start doing regular exercise.

My parents went away to Thailand on Wednesday, leaving me at home alone for the ten days which is so far really fun. I love being able to cook for myself and feel responsible for the house! Today I changed beds and put laundry on. Thursday morning I put the bin out and put the dishwasher on. Tomorrow I'm planning to hoover a bit and get more laundry through. Exciting, I know!

I went to Manchester yesterday with a friend. We visited Manchester's Christmas Market, somewhere I've never been before. It was magical - the whole atmosphere was just incredible. I'm hoping for snow this year round Christmas, it's one way to get that same immense feeling that I felt at the market. It truly is a kind of magic, with all the stalls like mini grottoes.

I've slowed down on my NaNoWriMo, but it's still going okay for me. I've been a little busy and a lot tired really - early mornings and late nights do not provide me with enough sleep.

Also, I had some surgery on Wednesday - fingers crossed, my last actual surgery on my mouth! It's a little painful, but I'll survive. I now have these two posts sticking through my gums. Pretty.

I'm also struggling with a dilemma which doesn't help me feel like writing. I would usually talk these things over with a friend, but since she came to me with the dilemma, I can't really talk to her about it. See, she has this friend - and they dated twice in the past, but it didn't work out. And they've stayed friends between and after both times. But she's had feelings for him all along, even after breaking up with him. And yet she knows what he's like with girls, and after he did something a little unforgettably cruel to her back in February this year, she swore she was done and would never go back there at all. She visited him last weekend though, and they ended up kissing. And he told her he loved her. And now she's not sure whether to go back to him or not. She told me that she feels the right thing to do is not to go back to him, but since they keep having these kind of encounters and she thinks she still has feelings for him, she wants to say yes. And she wanted me to tell her what to do, and to remind her of why she had sworn she was never going to go back to him. I have to confess I didn't do that, because it's not for me to make that decision. Instead we discussed things she maybe needed to consider when making the decision. And though I gave her as honest an impression of the boy as I could, I tried to avoid putting my own bias in there.

Thing is, my own gut tells me she shouldn't go back there. I just instinctively feel it's wrong. And it scares me to think she might say yes. I don't want her to know how I feel, as it shouldn't have a bearing on her choice. But I feel like the idea of her saying yes is killing me inside a little bit. I feel as though she must surely end up saying no, but part of me feels she's going to say yes because it's what she actually wants. And I don't know how to deal with that. I love her dearly and know I'll support her whatever her decision. But when the decision might hurt me so much inside, I don't know how to handle it. I just feel that it's a bad idea for her to go back to him, and that if she does she'll get hurt. And I don't want that for her. See why I can't talk to her about it? It wouldn't be fair to tell her all this. It would be like making her choose in a way, and I'm determined not to do that to her. But there isn't really anyone else I can tell this, as I'm pretty sure she hasn't told anyone else about this dilemma and she wouldn't want anyone else to know. And it's not for me to tell anyone, it's not my thing. But it's so hard for me to feel like this and not be able to do anything about it. Which is why I'm releasing it to the Internet anonymously. Because I don't know where else to talk about it. Sorry. And I know, Internet isn't always completely secret and all. But in this case, I need to get it out somewhere. And this is the safest place I can find.

That's all I can write for now. Sorry for boring you with my problems. But hopefully next time I write it'll be more interesting by far.

Love love xx

Oh my goodness, followup, summer, bike, baking, childminding, sore eye, leaving, BIG SECRET

Oh my goodness! It truly has been a while, hasn't it?! I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. I've neglected this space all summer, and now I have so much to write! I'm not sure how I'll get through it all...!

So last time I posted it was very shortly after my last surgery, which went pretty well. I did get very swollen indeed, right up to my eyeballs which unfortunately left me not really eating and struggling to read a little. But since the pain only tends to last a few days after surgery, I wasn't actually hurting, just uncomfortable, and I was back in work about a week after the surgery, albeit with no teeth in and green patches all over my face from the bruising which suddenly popped back up as the swelling went down! I have a few pictures...

Me shortly after surgery on the same day...

...A coupla days later...

...And another coupla days after that, with the swelling going down and the bruising coming up...

But all in all I was pretty okay. I went back after a fortnight to have the stitches removed, but as it turned out a few untied themselves and came out before the appointment, and when I was there the dentist simply said that they were designed to untie and dissolve and he wasn't going to remove any of them right now. So that all fixed itself and my stitches steadily undid themselves, with a little help in some cases, because they'd become uncomfortable and were hurting me.

So that's all fine, and aside from that I've had a delightful final summer with the friends. I've spent lots of time with the wife mainly, partly because she's so close, but also partly because I care about her more than the rest really in some ways. I have been for coffee with C, however, which was nice, and we discussed lots of lotsness, and so I think neither of us is sure yet if we'll stay in touch anymore, but it's a bit more hopeful than it was before when both he and I sort of said that right now we didn't even know each other anymore. And I've been for Chinese with the group, and a couple of pub trips, which have all been nice. My mood hasn't been great really, and I'm not sure why, but I can't manage a whole night somehow without sort of feeling like I'd quite like to go home and be left alone about halfway through. However, H has dealt with me, making me feel better again and putting up with it a lot! So it has still been pretty nice.

I've had my bike fixed this morning by my wonderful dad - the back brake seemed to permanently be on, and it made cycling very hard work indeed. And so we sorted that out yesterday only to find that on the front wheel the inner tube had a tear along the edge of the pump bit so we had to buy a new inner this morning. But now it's all fixed and ridable and the tyres are both pumped up and it's good to go, so I'll be cycling to work later!

I've also been baking, as per usual. I made some carrot cupcakes for the wife to take up to uni with her, since she hates carrots but likes carrot cake. I thought cupcakes would be easy to share and use to make friends. I'm planning to make some more for home this afternoon, and some banana bread too because we have about 3 black bananas and I've been meaning to make it for about a week!

I've had a few days of childminding last week, and 3 more this week coming with 2 gorgeous little girls of 2 and 5. It's very fun and not taxing at all, although the 2 year old has had a cold, so that's been showing in the nappies...! But I don't mind really, it's all part of it! I'm quite looking forward to it next week, although part of me feels it won't be as fun, because last week I was doing it with the wife, and now of course she's gone to uni so I'll be doing it alone. It's okay, it'll still be fun, but I don't know what I'll do in the hour-and-a-half nap the 2 year old takes, since H and I read together last week.

I have an owiee, by the way. I've been quite clumsy recently, having walked into a shelf in work and given myself a 3 inch bruise round my thigh, and having acquired a blister on one knuckle and cuts on another finger from sewing! Now I have a sore eye. I think it's just an eyelash infection thingy really but it's very sore at the moment. I've boiled it a couple of times, sort of. By that I mean that I've paid special attention to it with a hot flannel whilst washing my face. I blame the amount of crying I've been doing recently as the cause of it. The 2 events must be connected!! I cried at my boos yesterday, which unnerved him I think. It was ,mostly bad timing on his part because I was emotional anyway, but he tried to tell me off for doing something when actually it was his fault that I'd had to do it, a fact I clearly explained to him before bursting into tears. It was just a bad choice of day really, choosing to tell me off the same day H was leaving for uni!

It's hard right now, everyone's leaving for uni. H left yesterday, which was perhaps the most emotional for me, D's leaving today, most people left last week or the week before even. I've cried everyday for about 4 days over the wife leaving. I know it's silly and ridiculous, but I'm just gonna miss that girl so damn much, and it's the knowledge that she isn't just 10 minutes away up the road that really gets me. There hasn't been a week gone by for about a year when we haven't seen each other. I love her dearly, as dearly as one can love a friend, and part of me's busy feeling sorry for me because I don't have access to her in ym life just like anymore, and another part of me's really worried about her up in Newcastle on her own and feels really sorry that I'm not up there with her to look after her. I got her lots of little bits and bobs to help her up there, and to try to help me deal with the fact of her leaving. But I'm not sure how much it actually helped me. We did have a cheerful goodbye, no tears the night before while she was in the house. I'm jsut a big ball of emotion really, soppy and wet to the last little flannel corner. I bought her some clear diamond nail varnish to help her with growing her nails, somehing she's been doing for a coupla months maybe. I also gave her a book I've had for years and years, since I was in primary school. It's The Snow Spider Trilogy by Jenny Nimmo. I gave her that book with a page folded under which had the word 'akimbo' on it. This may not make sense to most people, but she didn't think it was a real word, so I thought that constant reminder that it was a real word might remind of who's always right in her life! ;) And I bought her some new socks because most of hers are worn through. I even took the pairs apart and mixed them up because I don't know anyone who has so many odd socks as her!! When I gave them to her, she lifted one of her feet for me to inspect and tell her if the sock on it was worn or not, and it was. Quick as a flash I yanked it off her foot and ran away with it and a pair of scissors, her in hot pursuit... and, well, that sock won't keep anyone's toes warm anymore!!

I also gave her one other present. A big present. A great big, huge, secret present which she never knew was happening. It's partly why a couple of times recently I've been about to post on here, then I haven't because there's been this big secret which I wanted to talk about but didn't dare. Almost nobody knew about it, I was so desperate that nobody would find out and lead to her knowing about it. Both our mums knew, but that's about it aside from a few members of my family. I made her a great huge giant patchwork quilt - but wait! that's not the best thing about it! I found a way of printing photos onto fabric using an inkjet printer, and so I made some of the patches pictures of her, and pictures of the both of us, and that sort of thing! It was amazing:

The finished quilt...

... And the centre square...

I wrapped it up and left it for her in the spare room. When she unwrapped it first I left it with the label up so she could read it. Then she suddenly went, 'Is this... a... quilt?' And we pulled it out completely and the screaming started! It was a complete surprise to her and as far as I could tell she loved it! It was amazing to see her face as she looked at it, and knowing that it really was a complete surprise and that nobody had been able to let it slip to her was incredible, because that moment of discovery was utterly worth it. Her face and reaction made all the time and the cost totally worth it. I'll go into the making of it in more detail in another post, maybe tomorrow, or the day after. I'm not sure, but soon!

That's all for now, you can tell I left the best news for last! I'm gonna miss that girl like crazy, but hopefully I've given her a leaving gift to look after for years and to make things easier at her end when she's feeling lonely. That's what I'd like to think, anyhow! Her gift to me was pretty incredible too: she gave me a ring she'd had since she was little, on a chain to wear as a necklace with the undertsanding that I would look after for her while she was at uni, and that she'd be collecting it in 3 years or so. This may not seem like much, but it comes as the proof that she won't forget me while she's at uni, because she'll have to remember me to come back for this at some point! And that promise, and the understanding of what the ring means to her means a lot to me.

Love love xx

ps. I did very well in my exams indeed, and I'm incredibly happy with my results :)

Owiee, onesie

So I had my next surgery this morning at the dentist. It hurts rather a lot. Basically he's screwed the titanium rods of the implants into my jaw, and done a bone augmentation, which means he put in some new bone in a granulated form to replace the bone I've lost as much as possible. My face is very swollen, from my upper lip up to my eyes, and from my nose outwards across my cheeks. I saw some black bruising there earlier, but I've swelled more since then, and so that seems to have vanished into my face somewhere. I can't eat properly, or rather, at all. I've had some yoghurt since the op. I'm quite hungry. I'm on a soft-food diet for 3 weeks or something, and I have another appointment next week to remove my sutures. This sucks. The best thing I can say is the painkillers really work. And of course that a 3-week soft-food diet means that H and I will have more to celebrate in London when we go to see Wicked, as it'll be the first time I'm allowed real food again!

The most positive thing I can mention is that I finished my onesie yesterday, and it's very cute! I have pictures!

In production

The finished garment in all its tiny glory!

Four snaps across the bottom

And four decorative buttons at the top

This is, of course, a prototype, and I'm looking to use the feedback from this to develop a full pattern and sizing type thingy. I am rather looking forward to it, and I've already learnt loads from doing it, like to make sure the binding for the openings is cut the right way in the fabric so it stretches properly. I'm just waiting for the neighbours to come back from holiday so I can ask them to take a look at it and give me feedback. They will be particularly helpful, since they've not long had a new baby.

I'm going to stop now and go lie down again. Sitting up or standing for too long makes my face hurt and my gums bleed.

Love love xx

long time, exams, Norland, travelling, work, pads, cardigan, vegetarianism, ice cream, TRIBE TRIBE TRIBE, fancy dress, camping, Fangella

Long time no see people! Sorry I haven't been here, it's just I was mega busy with exams and leaving, then I just plain couldn't be bothered. That's right, I was lazy. But I have soo much to tell you, and since I seem to be unable to sleep tonight I thought I'd catch us all up!

First of all: my exams were a triumph! I think, anyway. I actually loved the philosophy exams, found them really fun, and almost wished for more time, because I felt that there was so much more that I could say!! Now that's a first! Spanish was fine, I actually had masses of excess time, so we'll see how it turns out - hopefully it will be fine.

This of course leads on to College. I don't recall if I told you where I was applying; if not, I was applying to a nanny college. I had an interview, and I was waiting to hear back from them whether I had a place or not. I waited for months. Finally, I decided to call them and see when I could expect to hear back. Turns out they sent a letter to me months ago. All that waiting for nothing! But the lovely lady on the other end of the phone confirmed that I have a place for September 2012! So as long as I get the grades, 2 C's, I'm in! I'm feeling pretty confident about this, so my future is sort of set.

So now I just have this year between to figure out what to do with my time. I really want to travel still, although I know I can only travel for the second half of the year. But I really, really want to do something worthwhile, you know? Teaching children somewhere like Africa, or China. That would be ideal. At the moment I'm thinking about asking my high school if I could use their connection to a school in South Africa to work there for half a year. But I don't know if it's feasible or not.

My parents really want me to get another full-time job. I'm already working my 6 hours at Currys. I know, I know, 6 hours isn't much. But it's all the company can afford right now. And I agree, earning more money is important. But I still want to be able to do everything I want to, and I don't know how keen any companies would be at my taking the second half of the year off to go to a completely different country. I doubt they would pay me. or hire me, in fact.

So that's how future/career is looking right now. As to my own, personal life? Well, it's looking pretty peachy! I've been doing plenty of sewing, mainly of the pile of cloth pads I've been doing for a while. I'm getting there last bits of actual sewing to do and snaps to apply, then they're done! I'm planning to give a lot of them away as gifts and such to various people. I may keep one or two of the shabbier ones for myself. I have quite a collection of them now. And I still adore them, they still come in really handy, and I haven't used disposable menstrual products in months. Score one for the environment!

I also finished the sewing up of the last side seam of my cardigan I've been knitting since forever! Now all it needs are some tiny buttons, and it's done! At last! So many exclamation points, but I'm really psyched about this particular cardigan, I've had the wool since October, and been knitting it since about Christmas or something wacky. Admittedly, most of the time I haven't been knitting, which is why it's taken so long. But now i feel like the end truly is in sight for an awesome cardigan!

Not to be ignored are my cooking efforts I think. I've been doing a lot of cooking recently, probably to pacify the father more than anything. Since I decided I really wasn't going back to meat he decided he wouldn't be cooking for me anymore, as he refused 'to cook extra meals for somebody else'. Up until the point at which he realised that yes, I did mean it, and no I wasn't going to eat the first meaty meal he'd put in front of me in weeks, he'd been fine with cooking lots of vegetarian food. And he had no problem with cooking the meat separately to the rest of the meal and adding it to the plates of those who wanted it. But once it was actual and definite, suddenly it was a major issue. So I've cooked a lot of the meals recently, and he's eaten lots of vegetarian meals without complaint. And when he has cooked meat I've done my own thing. And it's been fine!

In addition to all the cooking, I also found time to try out some ice cream making. We had masses of strawberries int he fridge, so I figured it couldn't hurt to try my hand at a couple of recipes. I tried one vegan recipe, courtesy of David Lebovitz, and one normal sort of strawberry buttermilk recipe, the link to which I found on Gidget Goes Home's blog. Now, I have no ice cream maker, and I think they would have turned out better if I had one. But as far as these things go, I actually think they turned out pretty well! The vegan ice cream is more like a sorbet in texture and flavour, but very nice, if a little solid. The buttermilk is like real, creamy ice cream, again a little hard to get out of the tub, but rather yummy. I fully intend to ask for a cheap ice cream maker for my next birthday, since I think it may produce a lot of fun, and allow me to develop my crafty side in a new direction that I'm rather enjoying.

Usually when I get all crafty another side of my life suffers. Often it's my social life. But I'm pleased to say that this time it isn't at all. I spent Thursday afternoon and evening at H's house, having cycled there; and we started watching Tribe, season 3. I feel this needs explaining. When I was young, there was a program on telly called The Tribe. It was on channel 5, on either Saturday or Sunday mornings, I can't remember which. It was crap. It was terrible! the writing was awful, the acting was pretty poor, although to be fair it improved to some extent over the seasons, and direction was pretty missing too. And I loved it! I adored the whole thing, not seeing how bad it was at the time. And at some point years later, about 3 years ago I think, I rediscovered it and started watching it all over again. So cool of me, I know. And this time round I could see how bad it was. But I didn't care. As an original fan I remember how awesome it was to me; and even though now I see how awful it is, I still love it as much as I used to!

And what I can say is good about the program, is the concept. It's based on the idea of a post-apocalyptic world where a virus has wiped out all the adults and left only children who have to survive alone now by forming tribes. Amazing, right? Right? Okay, just me then! But I have the same love for the characters that I always had, so even though the whole thing is a shambles in all honesty, I still adore it, and know everything about the characters!

Anyway, how this links to H is that at some point in the last year we would have been talking about tv, and I'm pretty sure I was the one who mentioned this old program I used to love, my secret, shameful love. Of course, then she would have gasped and gone, oh my goodness! I used to watch that! And that would be where it all started. My sister ordered season one and, having watched it over, left it at home in my care (but remembering, of course, that it is hers!). And so H watched season one with me. Having done so, she promptly ordered season two, which we both then watched. We'd been putting off season three until after exams so that we could study - putting it off for months, you must see. And, knowing H finished her exams first, and knowing how hard she'd studied (particularly compared to me), I ordered season three as a gift for her and had it sent by amazon to her house. This meant that I received a phone call from her one morning which pretty much went:

Me: hello?
H: Why has Tribe season three just come through my door?
Me: oh... eh heh heh heh...

H and myself, with her permission

She was delighted, of course, but we hadn't had chance to watch it due to majorly busy schedules. But Thursday arrived, and having spent Wednesday evening thinking about the season to come and salivating in excitement, I texted H telling her hoe psyched I was and how much I wanted to watch it. And she was all, well, why not come round this afternoon? We can watch some then. To which I was like, There! And I brought my cardigan with me, which is where I did my last seam on it, whilst watching Tribe and clutching H's hand desperately in our thrilled, tense excitement as the event of the season happened! And that, ladies and gentlemen, is one hell of a story!

But, back to my social life not suffering, I'm going round to H's tomorrow afternoon, where we will watch more of Tribe season three and get ready for a fancy dress party, themed 'Princes, princesses and fairy tales'. I'm going as Gretel. I thought long and hard about costumes. I have a long gold dress which I could wear to go as Belle from Beauty and the Beast. But it is an eighteenth, and I know how rowdy we can be and I want to be a bit more free moving. I still don't want to look like an idiot, however. So the dress I have is great, it comes to the knees in a full skirt made of curtain material, so it's plenty free moving. Pictures of it after tomorrow evening. And of course it's a different costume, since i think many people are going as fairies, and since when did I ever want to do what everyone else was doing?

Also, on Monday I leave with the same friends to go camping for three nights in the Lake District. This should be fun, if a little... interesting. Photos of that when I get back too, I promise! So you can see, my social life is pretty sweet right now, despite all the crafty stuff I've been doing!

So that's pretty much it, a full catch up. One last thought to leave you with, though. My mum has started calling my denture Fangella. It irked me the first time, and I had no idea what she was talking about; but it's growing on me. I can see me mourning the denture when it's no longer necessary as much as I mourned the teeth coming out in the first place. Poor Fangella.

Love love xx